A review of the last months
Start in a new Year
The year started with a bang — and quite a good one. Spending New Year’s Eve with new friends I made in uni was great in comparison to last year’s New Year’s Eve, where I was in Kaunas with people I’m not sure I was even friends with. But that’s not even the best part of what happened in January.
January and February
Out of curiosity or boredom - I do not know - I opened Tinder and swiped on a boy I found cute when I first mehim on the semester opening day in September. A couple of hours later, we matched. It didn’t take long for us to realise how similar our hobbies were and that we were interested in the same things.
We kept texting and calling each day for the rest of the week, and we made plans to watch Wicked together in the cinema. The day came - a Saturday - and we meet at the train station. My first thought was how cute he looked. We even chose the couple seat as a joke — basically a couch you can lie on and cuddle — which we inevitably did. Halfway through the movie, we started holding hands, and I think I gave him a kiss.
After the movie, we went to a local bar I know and stayed there for 3–4 more hours, making out and drinking cocktails. By the end of the day, he told me I could take “single” out of my bio. Honestly, I was surprised — but also happy. I thought about saying we should slow down and not rush things, but I thought, fuck it, we ball — and just went with it. Every day after that, we spent on call, played games, were all lovey-dovey, and I loved it. It was my first relationship, and I was definitely on a high. We also met on Tuesdays at uni since we still had classes, and made out in empty classrooms and the student council’s social room while watching a series we started together.
The following weekend, he came to visit me at my apartment after a birthday party and stayed the night. I was honestly over the moon, and I still miss cuddling in bed. It’s the thing I miss the most, I think. In the morning, I got us breakfast from the bakery, and we chilled in bed cuddling and watching series. I never wanted it to stop.
The following weeks were similar — we went on dates, he slept over at my place, and once I visited him at his.
It all came to a sudden end on February 3rd, when he broke up with me via Discord. To be honest, I can understand his decision — and in some ways, I felt similarly — but it still hurt a lot. The most confusing thing for me was that we continued doing all the things we did as a couple even after breaking up, which really messed me up. Mentally, I was still thinking we were kind of in a relationship — even though we weren’t. Over time, he became more distant, treating me like a normal friend, which hurt even more, since I hadn’t mentally let go yet.
March
In March, I started to heal. After we went bouldering, I asked him if he could ever see something romantic between us again, and he said no. After that, I was a sobbing mess on the train with him. I’m sorry he had to see me like that. I started becoming a bit more distant myself to protect and slowly heal, and it started bearing fruit. By the end of March, I felt much better and wasn’t thinking about him as much. Otherwise, March was very boring — nothing really happened.
April
At the beginning of April, I thought I was finally free of thoughts about him. I started using dating apps again, but I realized I was way in over my head and needed to take things slowly — which ended up hurting someone I liked, someone I met online. I’m starting to get better and feel more alive. Uni also started again, which helps — not just being in my room feeling sad and moody. I still think of him occasionally, but more as a friend than a love interest.
The saddest thing, though, is that right before he broke up with me, I felt — for the first time — that I could say “I love you” to someone and genuinely mean it.
What was meant to be would be. There’s no time to mourn the things that could be.